mom mode post #215 – on a letter to my 15-year-old self

September 14, 2012 § 2 Comments

This week many bloggers have written letters to their teenage selves, and I thought I’d join in. You can read more about it here. This was a great exercise for me to talk to that brokenhearted girl of 15 years ago. I sometimes don’t realize how much I’ve buried this part of my story. It’s a beautiful tale of pain and redemption though. It may be time to start putting this part of my story on paper. 🙂

Dear 15-year-old me,

Oh honey, my eyes are filled with tears just thinking about the pain you (we) are going through this year. Let me tell you something dear, it gets better. This unimaginable pain you feel right now is redeemed and the wounds in your heart are healed by your ever-loving Savior. Keep holding onto Him, He is indeed Your Rock, and you’re about to discover what true intimacy with God is. I’m excited for you in this aspect. The lessons you will learn this year, be them emotional or spiritual, will take you on a an incredible lifelong journey of letting God be the controller of your life. However hard this year is, you will one day come to the conclusion it was all worth it. You will learn to cherish this as part of the beautiful narrative God is writing in your life.
This year you will also learn the pain of rejection. Your best friend will start dating and stop hanging out with you when you need her the most. Commit to forgive her now, don’t carry this grudge with you. Don’t let this decide how you face new friendships from now on. Be willing to be vulnerable in your friendships, darling. It might be painful sometimes but if you aren’t being real and open, it just isn’t worth it. This friend will go through many a trial later in life, she will finally understand the pain you are going through with your parents’ marriage crisis.
You will be thrilled to know that the Lord answered your many prayers and counted your many shed tears: Your parents marriage is strong today and your family is still together. Stronger than ever. They will go through many a battle still. In the end, a few months before your own wedding day, your daddy will ask for your mom’s forgiveness. He will apologize for the pain he caused you and your sisters and he will come back home to never leave again. Your parents and your sisters will become a very valuable support network as you move away. You will love spending time and talking with them. Right now all you want to is to get away. Trust me though, when you do get away you will miss them muchly and dearly.
I have more good news for you: All these dreams you have in your heart? They all come true. Yes, I’m not crazy. You serve an awesome God who heard every prayer you prayed. You will get to see the world, even more than you imagined. You actually don’t even live in your own country anymore. You become a citizen of the world, you speak many languages and you love every minute of it all.
God blesses you with the man of your dreams. It will be a fairytale-like whirlwind romance. Your marriage will be one of happiness and much love and respect. Your husband will be so trustworthy. No need to fear darling, God redeems this part of your life too.
He blesses you with the sweetest little boy ever. I know now you’ve decided you don’t want to ever get married, let alone become a mommy. Trust me, your marriage will be a balm to your wounded soul and motherhood will be the sweetest unexpected gift ever.
Trust your older self when I tell you, life is just about to get so much better and so much happier for you. Soon you will be singing along Mary J. Blige: ’cause we are celebrating no more drama in our lives’. Well, there will still be drama, but now you know who you can count on and the Lord will give you a wonderful support network that will carry you through some of the rougher times that will come your away.
Keep bending your knees in prayer, keep going to scripture for refuge. The Lord will keep you under His wings in the next turbulent years of your life. You will be safe with Him.

One more thing, keep making art. Don’t ever stop. It’s your life’s passion. Draw, write, paint. Learn how to sew. He made you for this.

Oh and no matter what people say, you are beautiful. And by no means or standards are you fat. Let’s get this straight now, ok? Keep swimming, working out and eating well. Block out the voices that tell you aren’t athletic enough. Your body is way more powerful than you think. Trust me on this one.

Keep dreaming dear one.

Love,

Your 30-year-old self

Unfortunately I don’t have any pictures of my 15-year-old self. Gotta make sure I ask my mom to scan some for me.

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